Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
