Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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