Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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