I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
