Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
