He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
