Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
