Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
