my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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