You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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