Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
