That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
