omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My bed smells like the plague
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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