forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
