My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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