you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
