im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
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