good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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