I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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