Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
