I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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