just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
