ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
