woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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