I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
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you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
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THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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