saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
