he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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