my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
