Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
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guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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