I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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