Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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