You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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