Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
