My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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