Cold hands, warm shart.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
