Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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