i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
