Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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