My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I fill condoms, not promises.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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