trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
