how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
