remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
No subtext here. People are naked.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
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