I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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