I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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