oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I did not marry a roomba.
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