Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
