I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
