did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
