Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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