Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
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It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
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He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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