Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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