Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.