If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
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Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
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Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.