i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
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The chlamydia really affected his face.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
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well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.