WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP