I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe