It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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