I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
