Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
