So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
